My Story |
I met my husband years ago, but re-met him in 1997. I was going through a divorce (my first husband) When we began seeing each other. The relationship was rocky at first, I never knew when he would be happy to see me or irritated that I was bothering him. After a few months, (and I was divorced) things started to get more serious. He moved in with me and my son (then 3). The next thing I knew, he moved out, with no clue to me but the statement that he didn't want a relationship. This went on for about a year. Durring this year, he was very moody.He could be hostile then wonderfull...when he was good he was very very good, and when he was bad, he was horid...lol. One day, he dissapeared. He had left town secretly, Armed with his dead fathers shot gun, and no one knew where he was. He called an distraught mother that night to tell her that "he had changed his mind and was comming home in the morning". Fearing for his life, becouse he had had "suicial trips" before, his mother (a wonderfull woman) sent the police to his hotel. The police and his oldest sisiter picked him up, then they addmitted him to a mental hospital. He was diagnosed with depression (again) and put on prozac. Sortly thereafter, he went manic. This went on for several weeks, his mania being mixed with depression. He broke up with me, came back, did it again until one horrible night, he came to my house in a rage, and became violent when I tried to stop him .(He broke 3 of my ribs when he pushed me aside) Later that night, overdosed on Ativan. (Valium type drug) In his past, he had had one other serious suicide attempt, thankfully unsuccesfull. The night of his overdose, the police had found him laying in the woods along the road (beside his car), and thought he was drunk. They took him to the drunk tank, were his family picked him up, and noticed that he was not drunk, but something was seriously wrong. They took him to the hospital where the overdose was discovered. He was admitted, ( the doctor confided in me that he didn't know why Mark was not dead) then, later that next night, he escaped. I found him walking barefoot along the street with the help of a friend ,a cell phone, and a radio scanner. He admitted himself into another hospital. He was there for only a few days, and released. (wonderful isurance companys, suicidal people CAN NOT be cured in 5 days or less) Durring the next several weeks , I decided to go with him to his Psychiatrist. I had seen an episode on Oprah on bipolar disorder, and told the doctor the mood swings and things that I had seen. That is when he was finaly diagnosed bipolar (thanks Oprah) and a different approach to his meds taken. Now ,years later, with many, MANY, med combinations under his belt. We got married on May 15, 1999. He told me that he loved me dearly, and was afraid he might loose me if he didn't make this commitment to be while he was in a good state of mind. Things have not been wonderfull since we have gotten married, he is still not stableized and has teriible depressions and very VERY hostile manias. People ask me, why I choose to stay with him through his pain, hositlity, and anger at his disease, and all I can say is that I love him and try not to get illness confused with him. He is a wonderfull, creative man, an excellent stepfather, and for the most part (lol) a very good husband. This website is my way to try to help others who know how painfull "living with the dragon" can be. |
For my Husband (on our wedding day) Take my hand and walk with me down a path we have chosen together our lives intertwined like ivy but seperate in our roots love me darling for I will love you in tears and in laughter pleasure and pain I will stand beside you walk with me on our journey I can not see everything along the road before us but I know I will love you forever |
Update! After a few years of being pretty stable Mark has hit a rough strech again. He spent some time in the hospital and has been battelng his old demons for over a year. Partly to blame was the loss of his doctor and a tolerance to his antidepressant. It took 9 months to get him into a program and now a new doc is seeing him, and he is trying to adjust to a newmedication .It was a tough road and took a lot of patience and and a willingness to take risks and try one more time. Even a medication that works well does not make the moodswings go away entirely, but it can "stablize" them and make life less of a rollar coaster.But often even that wont last. We have also added two new people , to our lives. A son and a daughter. People ask if I am afraid theytoo will be bipolar. I am. But I'm more hopefull they won't be. |
Frag - mented Man, - Soul left on the plate, Some Bits ? Pieces; Spirit shedded fleeces. |
To help understand how it feels to be bipolar, I have added some of my husbands poetry. |
Here it comes Are you ready Insanity dripping like golden honey from the trees, See those purple skies complement the vision, As I feel my internal death, and Rage at my life in conflict with itself. Why? Cause my life is so Downgraded, Eternal Reminesces dying in my thoughts; Again Why? And Why Not? I Don't Even Know How; Just wanting to let it all go, To See if I can see at all anymore, Cause I feel Too Much or Nothing at all; And these Days just Drag on..... They Drag me Down so ........... So Happy To Be Drunk Again To Numb Out and Leave my MInd, Sedated and Slow; Still There But Not Ever-Present, Regurgitating old wounds Licking salt into them readily, Addicted to that Pain, I Can't even see living without it Now; Masochistic and Yes I Know She's gonna Blow, So GET THE #UCK OUT OF MY WAY; Just as always, Run for your life, And leave me the #UCK Alone, with MY PAIN. Ugly Visions in My Mind, Racing Back and Forth in Time, Getting Near to Slipping Down, Insanity's Plea Is Lost or Found? Here I am Manic Man Come into my world Again, Hypo-revved, Reversed and Sped- Up into my Hell's Heaven, Just like it's Number 7, Left and Gone like God has been. |
