How I cope A lot of people I know ask me how I cope with my husbands erratic behavior sometimes, and its a difficult question to answer.  I try to keep myself educated to his diesase. I read a lot of books, and I visit many (MANY) websites on almost a weekly basis. I have found it very usefull in finding and talking to others who are involved with bipolar people and seeing how they deal with it. It can be very difficult to not know who you are waking up beside every morning. One day, he can be the most sentimental and loving husband you could imagine, and the next, a hositle and downright mean butthole that you swear has kidnapped your husband and is holding him for ransom somewhere. I try to find answers, try to find out what is going on in his head and why  he has such drastic mood changes. Educating myself to his disorder has helped me to be able to (most of the time) see the method to his madness. To try to understand that the horrible things he may say or do is not because he has turned into a horrible person, but that he is ill. I worry about him a lot. His depressions are so low, there does not seem to be an end to his sadness, and I worry that he may become suicidal. I have made for myself a "safety net" of friends, family members, and doctors, who I can contact if I become very worried about him. The same goes for his manias. When his sleeping patterns change, and he starts to get "hyper", I contact the same people. I am blessed with a husband who is very intelligent, and will accept the signals from his own mind, that things are getting out of controll. He cooperates, and calls his doctor when his medication needs to be adjusted. He does see the wrong in his behaviors (sooner or later) that hurt me when his mood is gotten bad. I think that is the only thing that I can count on, that he will "come around" and take the steps that will get his mood more stable. Not all BP's are like this. Many love the "high" of mania and will go off meds or refuse to admit there it anything wrong with what is going on in their heads. BP's who refuse to take medication or even admit that they are sick can be very dangerous. They can not or will not see how there mood can destroy those who love them. I healthy relationship is not possible with a BP who lets their illness run their lives. Take my advice and educate yourself to their disease. Go to the doctor with them and make sure the doctor understands what is really going on (BP's can be VERY adamant that everything is FINE, when you and I know it isn't.) Try to educate yourself with your own coping skills to deal with their crisis. Find a support group, even if it's just online, so that you can vent your frustrations and find ways to "deal" with your own pain. Don't isolate yourself and keep the "secret" of your loved ones ' illness to yourself, for it can destroy you. Their behavior is not your fault, no matter what they say when they are sick, and don't ever believe it! We are very special people, those of us who choose to love and stay with our BP's, and we need to find strength in each other. No one knows just how we feel if they have never loved someone who is bipolar, but I do. If you need to talk, I'll be here to listen to your story, and try to help you survive, and hopefully, you'll be there for me too.

Ten tips For Family Caregivers

Provided by The National Caregivers                           Association 1) Choose to take charge of YOUR life, and don't let your loved one's illness always take center stage. 2) Remember to be good to yourself. Love, Honor and value yourself. You're doing a very hard job and you deserve some quality time, just for you 3) Watch out for signs of depression in yourself, and don't delay in getting professional help when you need it. 4)When people offer to help, accept the offer and sugest specific things they can do. 5)Educate yourself about your loved one's condition. Information is empowering 6)There's a difference between careing and doing. Be open to technologies and ideas that promote your loved one's independance. 7) Trust your instincts. Most of the time they will lead you in the right direction. 8)Grieve for your losses, then allow yourself to dream new dreams. 9)Stand up for your rights as a caregiver and as a citizen. 10)Seek support from other caregivers. There is great strength in knowing you are not alone.

Let me start out by saying that I have many, MANY issues with anger. I have a hard time expressing it or even admitting that I'm angery most of the time, especialy when my BRAIN tells me I should be more understanding. I have anger, no RAGE at this disease and I find myself holding this anger in. I try to read too much about BP and rationalize my husbands behavior as "not him" but BP. In theory, this sounds good, but in life, it eats me up inside. I HATE when he is suicidal. The fear I have of finding him dead causes me to swallow the real feeling I have about it, RAGE! The fact that he would think of ending his life without even thinking of how I, or his family, or my son would feel. I hate the fact that he gets so selfish when he is very depressed, he closes his eyes to everyone, especialy me. I hate, when he gets so manic, he's psychotic. I hate being afraid of his anger and him not seeing how out of touch he is. I hate when he gives up fighting this disease. When he accepts the fact he will always be misserable and doesn't tell the docs or anyone how bad he feels. He takes it out on those who love him, by being mean and spitefull. It wears me down when he is like this. I resent him for it, but I find it hard to tell him. I HATE when he decides to stop takeing his medicine. There is no reason good enough to excuse this, no matter what they cost or how good he feels. It makes me feel like he is hurting me on purpose, and destroying all the progress he has made against his illness. I HATE when he blames me for his mood, I have no control over how he feels, none at all and have enough issues dealing with this as it is, let alone wen  he TELLS he it's my fault. I do HATE this disease, I wish I could tear it from his mind and stomp it, stab it, and rip it to pieces so it would never hurt me or him again. I hate the fact that it's so hard to treat. There are so many medications that just don't work for him, and so many combinations of meds, I'm wondering if they will ever find the right ones. I also hate being the saint, the one who is supposed to be so strong and understanding that I can not hurt, or be emotionaly unavailable to him. I am not perfect, I never claimed to be and I shure don't want to start now, I have a hard enough time trying to pretend I am. I'm shure I'm not the only one who feels this way (at least I hope so). If any of you need to vent, email me and we'll have a Bipolar Hateing Party, ( the diesease, not the people!) lol. Good Luck in your hate of the Dragon, don't let it eat you alive!

Expressing Anger!

Venom I am the woman surrounded by the corpse I once was festering with cuts and stabs inflicted by you It lives in your mind a sultry cacoon of poison throbbing and growing and killing my heart venom like a snake seeps from your pores I try to suck it from you ingesting it myself rotting my insides with poison I am so cold now left out here in the dark waiting for it to split you in half and leave me with your corpse I have a fantsy of holding your dead self laughing and crying only one more loss to greive instead of daily stabbings from your sick mind

I woke up this morning and looked over at you reaching out to see what face you have on today Is it the ICEMAN? your selfish face? to busy and cold to think twice about me MR. MEAN? I affectionly call Satan alive with hate RAGE just under the surface Afraid to say the wrong thing for my head will be ripped from my shoulders MR SUICIDE? living in fear and haveing to wonder if Ill find you hanging from a tree, dead, by your own hand I only have one thing to ask, who are you today? and what did you do with my husband?

The Iceman

Poetry is also a good outlet for feelings

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